It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize