btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Holy sore nipples Batman
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
