How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
