So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
