I wanna bring you to show and tell
i will never coherently bang her
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
