question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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