He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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