I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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