there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
