I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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