If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Randomize
