Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
