I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
