I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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