Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
