hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize