I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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