My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
