i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
