I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
