FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
