wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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