Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
