last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
