Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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