My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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