don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
