dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
