My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
