Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize