4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
