I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
