and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
