we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize