Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
