You can't motorboat a personality
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
