I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
