All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
