Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
