I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
