I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
