3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
