hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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