Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
