after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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