My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
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