How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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