she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
