get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
