A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
