i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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