I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
