I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
