I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
