Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
